Steven Sim

We always forget that as human, we are not only weak, but incomplete.

A friend of mine, in her 40s, single, quite well-to-do, the kind who seemed to have little worries in life told me that she is longing for a companion. Not really a marriage, she said. Read as, companion, not commitment. 

The thing is, it is almost impossible, if I may use the word “impossible” loosely, to be freed from our inert gregariousness. As they all said, man is a social being – it is not good that man should be by himself.

Yet how often we imagine we prefer to be alone, not answerable to anyone, freedom from the commitments which come with relationship. And the thing is we have come to see non-commitments as an epitome of freedom. To be alone is to be free. 

Of course, we can ask are we ever really free? But that’s another issue altogether. I think freedom does not mean insulation from other people or even rejecting opportunities of relationship with others. Such freedom is probably like taking drugs, you feel good for a little while, but it was not meant to be that way.

I liked what Joshua said, marriage is a good way to destroy the delusion that we have freedom in this sense. It is like a full time commitment to another person (and everything about her, her life story). 

Marriage reminds us first of all our incompleteness. That no man (or woman) is an island unto himself (herself). To some, marriage means giving up some part of oneself as part of the compromise of life together. That is surrendering, and I think there is truth to it. But then again, marriage also means receiving something to complement that incompleteness in us – to receive the other wing.

The process of creating, discovering and building is always painful because the status quo is being disturbed – and sometimes radically challenged. If our relationships are processes towards the completeness of our self-identity – in a way, towards completing the creation of our self-identity, no wonder, some people say it’s dangerous to get into a commitment, even madness to get married.  

But as Nietzsche said, there is always reason for such madness. And I believe to him, reason is a good thing.

Dedicated to Jorin, my Babe